The Other Side Of Sunshine: Fear, Waiting & The Unknown

Monday, August 20th started off like any other day. The alarm on my cell phone started chiming; I hit the snooze button, and refused to get out the warm blanket that I was cuddled in tightly. However, after a few moments of yelling internally at my body to stop being lazy, I dragged myself out of bed and decided to make myself presentable to take on the new day that had just started.

I walked out the front door, headed to my car, and traveled over to church where I was planning on doing some piano practicing. It was a beautiful day—the shine was shining brightly and everything just seemed to be perfect. I arrived at the church and started to tickle the ivories while singing in the privacy of the sanctuary—this is one of my favorite past times—it’s actually kind of therapeutic —a form of meditation that I enjoy.

Then, in the blink of an eye, everything changed.

I received a text message from my roommate Karey. Our dear friend from the theater, Pat Kautter had passed away. Some of you may already remember me talking about this previously (or heard through other facets of social media, but Pat Kautter was a very special individual who was fighting some very serious cancer in her body.

My phone dropped from my hands and my body collapsed to the floor where I started to bang with anger and cry uncontrollably. It felt like the sun that had been shining just moments ago in my travels had become less vibrant and warm. An individual who was incredibly special not only to me, but countless others had been taken too soon from us.


Right now, as I sit here writing this at 11pm, I’m filled with fear of the unknown because I was informed by my mom that my dad was admitted to this hospital…just about an hour prior to me writing this post. Not only was his white blood cell count incredibly high, but his body was incredibly weak. He was supposed to have surgery this past Friday, which got cancelled because of his immune system not being 100%. Now this. The fear of waiting. The unknown. My mind is rushing in a million different directions. I want to stay strong for my Mom. I want to have no fear. But damn it. I just can’t. I just want to break down and cry. In private. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Side note: I want to take a quick moment for all the people who sent good vibes, thoughts, and prayers the past couple of days. My family and I are lucky to be surrounded by such love and support. You have no idea how much all this means to us. Truly.

Over the next couple of days, the fear of the unknown is going to eat at me–it is going to feed upon my emotions and knock down my energy exhuberance of vibrancy and sunshine.

Why does it always take a moment of pain, sorrow, the unknown, or death for us to realize how many blessings we have in life? Why does it take a moment of darkness for us to realize what we are thankful for?

In the next two months of 2018, we will celebrate some of the biggest holidays that our society recognizes. These holidays are ones that revolve around the themes of family, thankfulness, blessings, joy, and peace.


These holidays are ones that will allow people of the community to come together and remind us that peace is a gift that ALL should receive regardless of ethnicity, religion, social status, and sexual orientation. These are holidays that will remind us that LOVE is a gift that we should show to ALL in the community and world.

In these next two months as we hustle and bustle about our lives, I both encourage and challenge you to take at least 10-15 minutes of each day to write down 1-2 things that you are thankful for. By the end of the year, you should have quite an extensive list.

Tell someone in your life today how much you appreciate them…how much you love them. Tell them right now.

Life can change in the blink of an eye. Don’t let a moment of darkness force you to remember all that you have in life to be thankful for.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown overcome your emotions.

Now, go.

Tell someone you love them before it’s too late…before that moment is gone forever.


Sprinkle sunshine always,