I Will Be Resilient

Happy Monday, folks!

And welcome to another week with Mr. Sunshine and another post.

I hope everyone was able to survive the extreme heat that Mother Nature threw our way…it was HOT…and it seems that it will stay the trend for the week to come.

But thank goodness that we were finally able to get some of that much-needed entity of life called rain.

Glorious rain.

Anyhoo, I know that I hinted at what I would be writing about earlier this week after leaving a cryptic message on Instagram describing a situation that I experienced last Sunday as “unpleasant.”

And as you read through this post, some of you might think what I will talk about isn’t a big deal or that I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill, but it really is a big deal for me that I think will personally affect me for a bit of time.

So, read on.

Those of you who follow me know that I joined a dating site (Match.com) back at the end of April–something I had literally not done for a decade. It was nerve wrecking and exciting.

And right after joining officially (since I was using the free version for a few months), I was matched with an individual from Mechanicsburg.

It was like too good to be true.

This individual and I talked exclusively on the app through Match everyday sharing commonalities, laughs, and personal stories about almost everything.

While we had discussed a FaceTime call and texting with our phone numbers, it was something that this particular individual did not feel comfortable with because of some traumatic experiences that he had been through in the past.

And I was ok with that.

I did not want to push anything that would not be comfortable for any party.

Given that I have never been in any type of abusive relationship that involves physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse–I honestly can’t even begin to try and wrap my head around someone who has gone through something like that.

That hurts my heart.

But as the days and weeks went on, I felt like I was on cloud nine and for a moment felt like I might be able to feel some type of relationship growing with what could possibly be a partner–that special someone–something that I see visuals of a lot with my friends in life.

And it felt like I might be able to normalize some of the jealousy that I experience and feel inside myself when I see happy couple pictures because I thought I could be in the process of walking down the road to that exact thing.

It felt warm.

It felt fuzzy.

And while there might have been some conversations that had occurred throughout our time talking that could’ve been viewed as red flags, I kept going because I did not want to throw everything to the side because of how genuine this individual was.

(If you ever want more back story or details about anything, feel free to reach out and ask me because I don’t want to publish everything publicly.)

So, let’s just flash forward to last Sunday.

I had just gotten home from running at the track and was at my kitchen table writing my blog when my phone flashed with a message.

It was a heads up warning from my Match individual letting me know that his older brother would be taking his phone and most likely going to go through all of our messages so if someone was to start talking to me, that was who it was.

While I didn’t really want to engage in the conversation with the older brother, my heart was too emotionally invested with the conversations I had with this individual for the past two months that I couldn’t just ignore anything that was being said by his brother.

I was also told that the longer I took to respond, “the more fun times” this individual’s brother was going to have with his younger brother that I had matched with.

The brother told me that he had saved his brother and that “I didn’t show up” when he wrecked his car.

I was told that this individual “shouldn’t even have feelings and that he needs to grow up and act like all the other guys.”

I was told that this individual needs to “start acting like a real man. Real men don’t express every little feeling they have. They just live.”

I was also reminded halfway through the conversation that the longer I took to respond to messages, the “more fun” this individual’s brother was going to have with my Match individual.

I was then told by the brother that he didn’t know what his brother saw in me. I was told “all he talks about is having my family meet you. I would simply lose it. I told him I would have to have fun with you too and he literally punched me in the face. This is his fault we’re talking and his fault he’s in the situation he’s currently in.”

I was then giving an ultimatum of two options that I could choose for this individual’s brother to either “spin him around while he hangs out” or “stick his head back in the toilet since his hair was getting kind of dry.”

I was told that “I could pick one, or that he could do both and tell my Match individual that I wanted him to do this.”

And I was told “if you don’t pick, I’ll pick for you. And trust me, my ideas are worse. So I’ll be sure to let him know that while he’s punching people in the face trying to protect you, you’re letting other people decide his inevitably embarrassing fate.”

Needless to say, I didn’t agree to any of this.

I responded with the following:

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to play this game. This is not fun to me and because I don’t want to participate does not mean I’m not fun, but you can make that assumption if you want. You don’t know who I am as a person, what I’ve gone through, my morals, or anything about me, so say what you will about me, I don’t care. And, if at the end of the day, you have to be like this to your brother and have to have fun in the your life by choosing embarrassing fates for him, you are the true coward.”

I was told that I had pissed him off and that I would not be hearing from my Match individual for the rest of the evening because he would be preoccupied.

This was so much to compact.

It still is.

And on Sunday night, I went to bed and laid on the pillows and cried because I had been knocked off the ladder.

And the feeling in my mind that was being held hostage by the games of this individuals’ brother did not help.

I didn’t sleep well, I started work late on Monday, and I had to give up attending a Team event with my Platinum colleagues’ because I was just not mentally with it.

What occurred last Sunday is exactly what I do not like about dating sites and why they scare me.

I take the leap of faith to be vulnerable and end up in even shittier situations that cause that vulnerability to be taken advantage of and leaves part of me feeling betrayed, broken, and discouraged.

I need people in this world to stop trying to take advantage of my kindness.

I need to personally become stronger in the way of creating boundaries for myself and sticking up for what I know I need and what I’m worth.

I am resilient and I will get through this, but my heart won’t be as easy to open and express moving forward when I don’t know someone.

I won’t chase after you.

Chasing is no longer worth it.

And I don’t know why I’ve let myself do that so many times before.

What a waste of energy.

I’m worth it and deserve to be someone else’s worth it.

So, if you see me not being as cheery in the next couple of weeks and months or not like “Mr. Sunshine” with my daily living or experience a jealous reaction or remark because you are in a successful relationship with a partner–please understand where I might be coming from. I apologize in advance, but it will all be part of my “healing” process personally to move forward and embark on the path of life ahead in terms of the dating world and relationships.

And if I want to be quiet and direct, let me.

Please understand that I’m not looking for pity with this post. Mainly, I’m trying to express what I experienced—and writing is a healthy way for me to process those types of things—a coping mechanism so to speak. Because what happened sucks and while I know it probably happens often, it is just something that I don’t have the energy for.

Thanks for coming back with me week after week to read my words and support me with your love.

Sprinkle sunshine always,

JP!